i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
