Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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