the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
