Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
