I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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