God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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