if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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