he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
