Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
