dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
