I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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