The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Less talking, more tequila
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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