sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
