i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize