Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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