were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
