You know, be my cock's hype man.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
