I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
