grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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