I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
