3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We need to get me chipped asap
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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