Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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