Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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