paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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