Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize