How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
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