The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
