I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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