She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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