i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
