i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
