My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
