i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
