I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
