I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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