Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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