Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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