I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
