I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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