then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
