just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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