i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
