i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
