There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize