In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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