I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
