I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
