so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize