she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
