Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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