There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
