Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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