I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
