So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So squirting runs in the family.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
