I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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