I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
