You smell like stripper and shame
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
