hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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