idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
