This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
