Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
