help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
