:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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