i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
