whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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